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5 Top Horrible Hairband Hotrods

Updated October 20, 2017

Years of playing dives, weddings, bar mitzvahs and aunt Susie’s 50th anniversary have finally paid off. With enough tights, lipstick and hairspray you have finally landed a record deal with a whopping $10,000 signing bonus. Now you have to ask yourself, what would David Lee Roth do with all that scratch?

Depending on how much money you already spent on bugger sugar, Jack Daniels, hotel repair bills and penicillin shots, means that hopefully you have some money left over to indulge in a rad ride, thus letting all those naysayers know that you’ve finally made it. Plus you can get the attention of the groupies without having to, you know… pay for it.

First choice, flashy American Muscle!

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If looks could kill, this Vette would be seriously serial, but if horsepower is what kills then don’t worry about this cause it’s packing a whopping 180hp from a freaking 305 V8!

Second choice, Italian Turbo!

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Hey Joe Walsh’s Maserati does 185. So let’s get an exotic Italian Maserati Biturbo to mask your Bisexual stage presence. Only problem is that you’re running with the automotive devil as this car will self destruct faster than you left alone backstage with a mound of black tar heroin.

Third Choice, Porsche on Amphetamines!

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Hey even the lead singer of Ratt has a 911, so step up your game with this Gemballa Avalanche. It has enough scoops and poops to let everyone know that you are as fast on the road as you are on the axe. Only problem is that this car will age as well as you do if you maintain that rock and roll lifestyle. Remember the 14 reunion tours still to come.

Fourth Choice, Lotus for the Ladies

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Nothing like a fast and unique exotic to drive around with your scantily clad lady friend riding shotgun. Only problem is that you will likely end up driving off a dock like 007 after she breaks your heart. Problem is that your Lotus doesn’t transform into a submarine. Oh well, make a power ballad out of the whole situation.

Fifth Choice, Merange-Bover

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You know how many chicks you can pick up with a Ferrari? One, because it’s a two seater stupid, but this baby has room for groupies, liquor, film crew and a dialysis machine, so the party never stops. Only problem is that it looks like a Mercedes was molested by a Range Rover in Chernobyl and this was the love baby.

It seems that no matter what vehicle you choose, you will either end up wrecking it (losing an arm), setting it on fire during a bender or the IRS will inevitably repo it as your Thailand ladyboy excursions and constant drug induced dragon-tail chasing has caused you to blow through all your riches. That’s life in the fast lane.


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Uriah Nazario
About Uriah Nazario

If you are easily offended and like to comment about how your feelings are hurt then you won't like my style of writing. I speak my mind (which is deranged) and yes it is often offensive. I am open for debate but not whining. I appreciate all my readers and hope my articles put a smile on your face.

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