2015 740hp Satanpuss Ford C-Max
Updated October 30, 2014
It seems that the horsepower shootout is in full effect for the big three as they try to make our everyday minutia clad sedans into street rockets. As we rejoice with excitement that the 2015 Dodge Challenger Hellcat will deliver us a full size sedan with 707hp and a freshened up front fascia, we hoped others would follow suit and it seems they have. The problem lies with what vehicles Ford and GM chose to offer up to the shootout.
Instead of Ford delivering us a Taurus with an AWD setup connected to an 8-speed transmission they decided to give us the C-Max a 1.0L Quad-turbo engine connected to a Supercharger with a compression ratio of 72:1 and a redline that just flashes EXPLOSION IMMINENT. The engine block is cut from Goldfingers laser beam and the pistons are cut from charcoal briquettes wrapped in asbestos. The recommended fuel is liquid hydrogen where it produces its 740hp mark. Ford’s engineer team stated that the car will also run on the E85 fuel but the number dramatically decrease to 12hp. No that’s not a drop of 12hp, that is the total hp whilst running on the insanely irrelevant E85.
We talked with Ford C.E.O. Alan Nulally and he remarked that no Chrysler P.O.S. was going to outrank Ford in anything other than breakdowns. When asked about the materials used for this vehicle and why the C-Max was chosen he stated that “ Most Americans live in the city therefore our city car must be fast and quiet in order to sneak up on bicyclists”. When asked about the bicyclist Nulally stated that he caught his wife getting friendly with some curly-stache hipster douche on a single speed and therefore wanted a car that could easily take out “Those Craft Beer Cunts”.
After letting Nulally use our phones to call and harass his wife, we parted ways and went to talk to GM’s C.E.O. and find out what their plans were. Talking with C.E.O. Mary T. Darra she announced that GM was going to make a 4 door Camaro with Native American interior patterns and a trunk basket for Farmers Market organic produce shopping at what point we told to go fuck herself and hung up. When we intercepted Mrs. Darra’s memo she stated that the Z28 was far too testosterone driven and that GM needed to produce a quit running Volt that has 700+ hp and could also sneak up and run over cyclists. “Instead of an avoidance system, let’s integrate a targeting system and a scent spray of a Coconut Cream Stout”. So it seems like always, GM will wait until almost too late and then finally produce a wildly mediocre vehicle.
Looking at the C-Max and Camaro Sedan made us think, why the hell do all the manufactures hate on cyclists and why not just purchase the SRT Hellcat.
Categories: Smog Exempt