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Designs Lost In Translation and Development

Updated November 8, 2012

Ok, imagine that you are the head of one of the “big three” auto manufacturers and you’re looking to get some new and exciting vehicles on the road. Now you get these vehicle ideas pitched to you and as a result it sounds good and all but the final product turned out more like Homer Simpson’s “The Homer” by Powell Motors.

 

Plymouth Prowler

Pitch – Ok, we produce a menacing looking roadster that attracts those who wish to have the top down and the open road ahead. Big wheels and wide tires make this an ultimate dream machine.

Result – An under powered 6-cylinder engine and a bunch of spare parts mixed with shitty plastic that would make a wannabe Tokyo drifter point and laugh. The interior was as aesthetically pleasing as Auschwitz. The people want power and 253 hp is not going to cut it. Oh and the trunk will only fit your tweed sport jacket and boner pills.

 

Chevy SSR

Pitch – We learn from the Prowler failings and make a vehicle that has that retro appeal yet a retractable hard top, V8 and more trunk space thus making it more enjoyable for the owners to get to their blue plate special.

Result – An El Camino looking like a “kit car” body placed on top of it. Actually was placed on a Trailblazer chassis. Then make it look like it had too many plastic surgeries and then make everything out of the cheapest looking plastics possible except the retractable hardtop that apparently was made of lead. And finally go ahead and make it wildly overpriced.

 

Pontiac Solstice

Pitch – We design a convertible that targets the empty nesters and the 40 something divorcees that attend swinger parties. This will be a front engine/rear-wheel drive vehicle that brings back the “We drive excitement”.

Result – A car that was as wide as the owner’s hips. Made from the scrap pile of Chevy parts and with the horsepower of just about one horse with a broken leg made this vehicle a seller to those who thought they needed image refreshment and a burnt bald spot. There was a possibility for a LS engine to find its way into the engine compartment and was actually even done once, but that was the right thing to do and Pontiac didn’t want to give the car a pair of balls.

 

PT Cruiser

Pitch – We build a small wagon type car that takes the looks of the classics with their big long grills and adds the amenities of today. It will be a great everyday cruiser.

Result – Actually was popular at first and sold for far longer than I had ever anticipated. Problem was that it looked like a hearse for midgets… I mean little dead people. It was actually a fucking trend car which finally, once it wore off meant stagnant sales. The damage had been done and some people actually tried to make them look like cruisers. Arrgh FML!

 

Chevy HHR

Pitch – We take the exciting looks (we think) of what will be the wildly successful SSR (we think) and make a four-door car thingy that will compete against that awesome PT Cruiser.

Result– This was another spare parts vehicle that showed up too late and looked like it could have been cool if you changed absolutely everything. The only niche it successfully filled was being a wagon for companies that didn’t want to spend the gas money on a company SUV or Chris Hanson guests that needed a windowless wagon option. Instead they all just spent that money for gas and lure candy on repair bills.

 

Pontiac Aztek

Pitch – Hey, the entire design team is going to burning man this year to do some powerful hallucinogens as a result we will let our third eye foresee the perfect vehicle for everyone.

Result – The most putrid vehicle that made me lose all hope for Pontiac/GM at that moment in time. It actually made me believe that there was an actual Homer Simpson that designed a vehicle for the mass market. I can only think that Pontiac corporate execs placed a bet with Subaru (with their Tribeca) to see who could build the ugliest and most pointless vehicle possible. This vehicle was properly named as it made Pontiac extinct just like the once powerful Aztecs. You Fucking Indian Killers!

If you have some vehicles that you would like to add, then feel free to write to us in the comment section below.

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Uriah Nazario
About Uriah Nazario

If you are easily offended and like to comment about how your feelings are hurt then you won't like my style of writing. I speak my mind (which is deranged) and yes it is often offensive. I am open for debate but not whining. I appreciate all my readers and hope my articles put a smile on your face.

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