The Motorcyclists Christmas List: The Poser Rider…
The Buying Guide For Your Poser Motorcycle Riding Friends!
Updated August 17, 2018
So what do you buy your poser friend for Christmas? We all know a poser or two, and some of us might even be the poser in question, but since this is the time for giving, it would be a shame to ignore them over the Christmas period. First things first: what is a poser? Well, they come in a variety of forms but nine times out of ten it’ll be the rider who thinks they’re something they’re not, or they’ll be the person with all the gear and no idea. In brief, they’re the riders who own a bike to be seen, rather than for the thrill of the ride. With that in mind, what do our poser friends want for Christmas? Here are a few ideas to help you (or rather, them) out…
- Pre-worn Knee Sliders
Pre-worn knee sliders and pucks are a thing, and they seem to be a staple requirement for the poser. What’s the point of them? Well, it proves that they can drag their knees along the asphalt with pinpoint precision – but in reality, they’ve got the proverbial badge of honor without having to put in the hard work. To the casual onlooker, it would appear that they’ve just entered into the presence of a track day legend, a motorcycling god, who knows everything there is to know about riding fast and living dangerously. You can buy these pre-worn sliders on a number of online marketplaces, or you can just give your mate a pair of your old ones. They’ll appreciate the gesture anyway – they’re both means to the same end.
- Helmet Ears
There’s no better way to draw attention to your poser friend’s mid-life crisis than with a pair of kooky stick-on helmet accessories, is there? Now, before we go into full hate mode, there is a time and a place for a pair of cutesy ears and a dangling tail (at a push), like for charity rides and in support of good causes. Apart from that, there’s little to no excuse for them. Of course, if you really want to illustrate how wacky your friend is, or how crazy they are, then go right ahead. After all, this is a gift for a poser who loves attention…so this should fit the bill. Just make it adamantly clear that “all the cool riders wear them,” first.
- The Classic British Motorcycle T-Shirt
Triumph, Norton, BSA, Royal Enfield, Vincent, Brough Superior – take your pick. Either one of those in t-shirt form will immediately indicate that the wearer is a bonafide motorcycle enthusiast, surely? Only real motorcyclists would wear something like that, right? Armed with a Norton t-shirt, the wearer will be elevated to the status of a master mechanic, a motorcycle trivia champion, and the absolute authority on the best waxed cotton jackets on the market. As the gift giver, you receive bonus points if you purchase one of these t-shirts from somewhere like H&M. Fuck it, combine it with a similarly licensed Rolling Stones tee for added comedy value.
- A Multi-tool
Often dubbed as the wrong tool for a thousand jobs, this gift idea isn’t such a bad idea. Multi-tools are useful; you never know when you need to bodge something at the side of the road, or at least pretend that you know what you’re doing. As a posers friend, you can always ask them to pull out their multi-tool, select the screwdriver, and you can start going to town on their idle screw and setting it correctly. There must’ve been an issue before, since your poser mate was always revving that engine at the stop light, right? Problem solved. Although, we don’t think it was the idle that was to blame in the first place…
- Race Replica Everything
Apart from the bike, of course – because the CBR with Repsol livery is awesome. But the boots, the gloves, the helmet, the suit…that’s what all real poser riders need. To give your friend the ultimate Christmas present, you could invest in the full factory replica gear for them. Because let’s be honest, nothing looks cooler than a balding middle-aged gentleman wearing the full on Movistar Yamaha garb, complete with “The Doctor” stretched across his lower back, and a massive “46” on the back of his helmet. In the posers mind: “Everyone will think I’m a professional racer, possibly affiliated with the Yamaha MotoGP team. I’ll be the coolest rider on the road!” In everyone else’s mind: “Look at that idiot. He’s either trying a bit too hard, or Valentino Rossi has seriously let himself go recently. And what is an overweight Rossi doing zipping around the suburbs of Nowheresville, USA, anyway?”
But seriously now, the best gift you could probably give your poser friend is this: respect. We all like to make fun of other types of riders, whether they’re power-ranger outfitted rocket riders, leather vested Harley riders, blue-smoke spouting trail riders, beard wearing, coffee sipping, hipsters, or brand-wearing posers – it doesn’t matter. We’re all part of the greatest community on the planet, and it doesn’t matter how many miles you have on the clock, how fast you can go or how cool you think you look. Just ride safely, respectfully, and have a great time doing it. We’re all here to ride, and that’s all that’s important. So, happy holidays!