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The Amber Alert

Mustache and Car Stereotypes

Updated November 26, 2014

It seems that our vehicles are a reflection of our personalities and in this article we look at how different dirt squirrels translate to vehicles. As a man’s motorboatin bristles distinguish him from the pack, so do the chariots he commands and so it is for this reason we look to see what kind of personalities that become apparent when we gaze upon vehicles such as these.

 

The Old Timer

The Old Timer

The Old Timer

A big curly stache lets everyone know that you drink gravy for breakfast and that Lonesome Dove is the only movie you will ever watch. You like your cars like you like your women, a good farmhand with a little bit of patina to show character. Often sporting plaid attire that was discontinued in 88, you refuse change and are content with the simpler things in life. And Nextel Cup is still referred to as Winston Cup and will forever be. American trucks such as the Dodge Power Wagon are all you have ever driven.

 

The Private Investigator

The Private Investigator

The Private Investigator

The lip toupee has been a part of you since back at the academy. Not having your lip rug would cause a total loss in your identity. As you stay true to the force, an early retirement led to a time of depression and despair. In order to rekindle the love of the gun and badge you took to flying solo and chasing around affair having spouses and runaways. To signify that you are still a man of the law and will forever be, means you need to drive the car similar to your old squad car. The Ford LTD or its variants is the vehicle of choice.

 

The Furious Führer

The Furious Führer

The Furious Führer

You are young and wildly mediocre at your middle management position. You drive a German built vehicle in a constant rage as you can’t believe these sheep don’t move out of your far superior way. You look down on all as you are a great leader if only your boss at Petsmart would realize it. You will soon have to make payments on your in-house financed stallion but until then you can still hit up the tanning bed and get those tips frosted.

 

The Red Blooded Murican

The Red Blooded Murican

The Red Blooded Murican

You peaked whenever you got a handy from that chick at the Blue Oyster Cult concert. You pride yourself on the magnificent womb broom and constantly ask ladies if they can hold on to the handlebars of your mouth motorcycle. Getting shot down by girls is not a big deal as you rise from the ashes like the Firebird in which you drive. You drive excitement like you drive women into your “Dale Dungeon” and the key to getting these ladies from the Indian casino to your room takes the power of your Detroit muscle.

 

The Amber Alert

The Amber Alert

The Amber Alert

You do what feels right, even if it is deemed unacceptable by modern-day society. You have a few internet friends that share what you would call quirks but find that living in the real life set of a David Fincher movie is the dark hole in which you comfortably dwell. The only time you emerge from your mother’s basement is when school is out. You would move but then again you would have to go knocking on everyone’s door to explain to them that you’re a sick fuck.

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Uriah Nazario
About Uriah Nazario

If you are easily offended and like to comment about how your feelings are hurt then you won't like my style of writing. I speak my mind (which is deranged) and yes it is often offensive. I am open for debate but not whining. I appreciate all my readers and hope my articles put a smile on your face.

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